Why I hate seeing your child on Facebook. There, I said it. Now deal with it.

This might be a controversial post, but it’s an honest one. Love me or hate me for it, I really do not care.

Let me break this down for you. I hate your children…on facebook. Yes, they are cute, yes it’s amazing they’ve taken their first steps/started school/what the fuck ever. An occasional photo to mark milestone events or overly cute poses are encouraged. By all means, go ahead.

BUT when you start uploading 10/15 photos a day of your child, I start despising you.

I love children and if you’re my friend on Facebook then the chances are I love your children, but that does not mean I justify the behaviour of mums who merge into their kids to the point they no longer exist as their own person, and obsessively shove a camera into their kid’s faces to capture every moment.

You might find them eating a crisp, sitting on a sofa, sleeping bla bla blaaaaaaa really cute, and you’re entitled to. But why do you have to share it with the world? What’s wrong with keeping stuff to yourself occasionally, and sticking it in an album or emailing it to Granny/Auntie Mary/cousin Sue?

This may shock you, but we don’t really give that much of a shit because we didn’t actually give birth to your child. I fully congratulate you for having sex without contraception and making a baby as a result, but please tell me why I need to suffer a post that contains upwards of 10 photos of your child on a train or sitting on a chair, where the only difference between each photo is a facial expression. So you can’t choose which ones to keep? Keep them all! Just don’t post them all. I beg you PLEASE don’t post them all.

You have a life other than your children. They should fit into your life, not the other way around. No child should ever dictate the way you live your life, unless you want to raise a spoilt brat.

Timehop has made things even worse. Don’t get me started! Now, as well as the 15 posts a day I’m forced to endure, I have to look at photos that I was forced to look at a year ago. I didn’t need to see them the first time around and I sure as hell don’t need to see them now.

Before you all respond with the standard patronising reply that is all you seem able to muster these days, “See how you feel once you’ve had children of your own,” let me tell you something…I don’t need to have kids to know how I feel. I have plenty of friends and family members with children who don’t obsessively put up baby goo goo gaga pics. They have self-control, and don’t feel the need to shove their camera phone in their baby’s face every time they’re sick or do a poo. They have the ability to cherish moments without needing public approval via a facebook like.

Which brings me to my next point, which is a serious one. My mum has endless photo albums made lovingly throughout my childhood. Some are funny, some I would like to burn. But no matter how bad they are, they haven’t been shared digitally on a public forum without my consent, so I have some control. I sincerely believe no parent has the right to create a digital footprint for their child, and embarrass them endless shots. With technology these days, even when you press delete on Facebook, it still exists somewhere. Google cache is enough to show you that. Your child probably doesn’t care or understand right now, but will they feel differently when they’re 16 years old?

Besides all that, what are we encouraging? The Internet is a damaging place for children and teens. Cyber bullying is a major issue, and one comment can affect a child’s self-esteem. Why expose them unnecessarily to all that judgement? Yes, your friends and family will never comment with “her hair looks shit” on your kid’s school photo, but every like and comment is a measurement of how much an outfit or facial expression is liked. Why encourage vanity and insecurities? I for one do not want a 3 year old that knows how to take selfies. There should be no need for an innocent child that young to want to go through the egoistical process of taking a photo of themselves and then looking at it to analyse what they look like.

And lastly, the safety implications surely make it not worth the risk. Please don’t reply with “my profile is set to private”, because you’re not an idiot. You know that doesn’t count for shit. Accounts are easy to hack, photos are easy to share, and download, and who owns the copyright to them once you’ve uploaded them to facebook? If you think it’s you, think again. Again, the odd photo I totally understand. You’re a proud parent and you want to show your child off to the world, but have some common sense.

I saw a child naked watching its sibling take a bath on Instagram the other day. Why on earth would any parent take the risk of sharing that online?! Keep it to yourself! Ok, your settings are set so only friends can see it, but how well do you know the distant friends who you know from school 15 years ago, and how do you know who has access to your friend’s accounts?

The moral of this rant is, be smart and be safe.

If you’re a parent reading this and feel guilt or overwhelming anger, then you’re one of the parents I’m talking about and need to get a grip and sort it out.

If you’re a parent and you don’t feel the above, you’ve probably already got the balance just right.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to post 500 pics of my dinner, cat and husband.